Wedding Crashers
by Nemi-Dina
Summary: Quinn and Santana are college dropouts who earn money through peculiar jobs. Sue Sylvester, mother of pop star, Sam Evans, wants two witty girls like Quinn and Santana to ruin her son's wedding, because let's face it, that brainless "Brittany" of his needs to be dumped. Contains some romance: Santana/Sam, Quinn/Puck and Mercedes/Finn.


_I know, I'm not even done with my first fanfiction and here I am, already starting another. I just couldn't wait. I've written many chapters already… And I just couldn't wait to share it. It's quite comical or stupid. I hope you will like it._

_Santana and Queen are two best friends who are desperately in love with pop star sensation Sam Evans. Finn and Mercedes are Sam's closest friends. Sue Sylvester is Sam's controlling mother… Hopefully, this first chapter will make you laugh._

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

"YOU WHAT?!" the groom screamed out at the top of his lungs.

"I – I don't – I – this is bullshit!" his best man stammered and took a few steps backwards.

"FUCK YOU!" the groom cried out and punched him.

"OH MY GOD! This can't be happening!" the bride shrieked and started crying.

I put my hand on my mouth to hold in a snicker that would soon turn into hysterical gales of laughter.

"Now, now – I'm sure that this is a misunderstanding…" The plump priest choked out and raised his goofy hands up in an attempt to prevent everyone in that church from panicking.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU CHEATED ON MY BEST FRIEND WITH MY BOYFRIEND!" The bridesmaid spat towards the bride and literally attacked her.

"NOOO !" The priest yelled and tried to stop the fight by standing between the two thirtyish ladies.

"VIOLENCE IS NOT A SOLU – AAAAAAAAAAH!"

I burst out laughing as I watched the priest fall to the ground because the bridesmaid had just violently pushed him out of the way. She then jumped on the bride's back, tugging on her platinum blond hair very madly.

I bent down, holding my stomach; breathing was getting difficult.

Maybe I should stop laughing…? Some voice advised in my head… Probably my good sense.

Nah! This is too good!

Of all the weddings we've ruined, this one was the easiest because the lovers and their families were such edgy people.

I heard many people gasp and ask what was going on; and then their panicked faces just made me laugh even more.

"STOP!" some teenage girl yelled as she came running from the far back of the church.

"I wouldn't get involved if I were you." I managed to say as she stood still beside me.

"This wedding is going out of control!" She shrieked and looked around in every direction frantically.

_Yeah that's the idea actually_, I thought and it took all I had in me not to laugh at her face.

"Oh look! The in-laws are joining in the fight too." I said excitedly and pointed towards what looked like some insane mix of gaggle and flock.

People can be so hilarious, I swear! Actually, sometimes they're so funny that they don't even look human anymore. They look like cattle more than anything.

"Santana!" Quinn squealed and grabbed my arm forcefully, jerking me back.

I stumbled on my feet, losing my balance.

"Oh, God! Seriously, Quinn, could you be any more brutal? I almost fell because of you!" I whined and held on to her not to collapse.

Truth was, it wasn't Quinn's fault; it was those stupid high heels' fault. I knew I should have worn some flats.

"Shut up! We have to get outta here!" She said hurriedly and shook me like a maniac.

"Aaaahuuhh! Stop shaking me like that! I don't want to fall flat on my face." I mumbled.

"Some woman seated in the last row at the back kept staring at me and then at you suspiciously! What if she _knows_?" Quinn cried out in a broken voice.

"What woman?" I asked and furrowed my eyebrows.

Quinn had shaken me so badly and then there was so much noise that I needed all the energy I had left to regain some decency and good sense.

"We don't have time to talk! Let's go! Now!" Quinn said somewhat fearfully and grabbed my hand very suddenly.

She started running and I had no other choice than run along with her, otherwise I'd just fall flat on my face and, well, no one would even care anyway seeing the mess that this wedding had turned into.

We jumped over some wooden bench that lay right in the middle of the large hall way at the back of the church, and I giggled stupidly as I realized we'd managed to that in our 2inch heels. Then we had to run through some elderly people gathered near the back entrance of the building and thanks to Quinnn and her delicacy we knocked down one or two of them. Ah, sweet, bitter sweet sarcasm!

"Damn you, filthy youth!" An old man yelled.

We stormed out the church and I'm pretty sure that we looked like two pigeons strutting with injured claws.

"HEY!" Some guy called in a very low-pitched kind of voice.

"HAAAAAAAA!" Quinn and I screamed in fear when we saw the dark and husky man strutting after us.

"I'm harmless I swear!" They guy cried out as we ran to our car.

"Quick, quick! Start the car, start the car!" I commanded.

_It's funny how ridiculous one looks when they're scared_, I thought and wondered if I was one of those pathetic people.

"Oh my god, he looked like a Nazi!" Quinn stated as she drove away from the church's parking lot.

"A Nazi? Really, Quinn?" I snorted.

"What?" She asked innocently.

"Nazis are white and blond, Quinn. That guy was black."

"Yeah, but he still had the shape of a Nazy! Did you not see that body of his? Oh my – he could have killed us both within seconds." She said very quickly while her hands clutched the steering wheel.

"Seriously, Quinn, you need to relax! We didn't really do anything wrong..." I snorted. "Just our job." I added and smirked.

"Well, what about those two grand-pa's that we knocked down as we ran through random people? Do you think they're still alive?" She asked and glanced at me very quickly.

"Well, they're old anyways… They were meant to die _sooner_ than later." I snickered.

"Santana!" Quinn scolded me.

"What?" I said innocently. "Would you enjoy living for a while longer when you're 90 years old and your body is decaying and you can barely move or talk; and then when you do, you realize you look like a constipated ship?" I added.

"Oh shut up!" She mumbled.

"OOOOH – WOW, WOW, WOW! RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT!" I suddenly screamed at the top of my lungs.

"I know ! I'm not blind!" Quinn yelled as she hit the break and the car came to a harsh stop which had been closely followed by the annoying screech of the tires.

I put a hand on my heart and inhaled deeply, Quinn had almost gone through a red light.

"I still can't get over the fact that you actually managed to pass your driving license! You drive like a psychopath." I whined.

We waited silently for the light to go red and I started tapping my fingers on the window because I was feeling a bit bored. I rolled the window down and looked out nonchalantly.

"Hey!" A familiar voice called and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets when I realized who that was.

"I just wanted to ask yo – aaaaaaah!"

I had instinctively pulled my pepper spray out of my purse and had sprayed the guy's face hurriedly.

"Yo, King Kong! Are you O.K?" A lady asked and I had to jerk my head to take a look at her.

She was sitting in the front seat beside that husky guy that had scared us earlier.

"Hey, you! Whatever-your-name-is, pull over a few yards away! We want to ask you something." She said as she hopped down from the big SUV.

Her arrogance almost blinded me. That woman must have thought she was the quinn of the world or some shit like that. The husky guy – apparently named Shane – exchanged seats with her to let her drive because he could barely open his eyes.

"I'm so sorry! I was scared, I didn't think." I said apologetically and smiled weakly at them.

Not that I meant to be apologetic… In fact I was just scared that either that ugly giant blond or that husky guy of hers would harm us; so I decided to play nice.

"It's O.K." the husky guy mumbled and rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"Light is green now." Quinn said excitedly as she sped up like a maniac.

"Pull over! They want to talk to us!" I commanded.

"Yeah, I heard, I have ears!" She hollered out and once again stopped the car very, very abruptly.

I wondered how she had managed to keep me alive all these times, whenever she had to drive me home or pick me up from places…

"All right. Here they come!" She sung as she glanced at the rear-view mirror.

"I think they know about us and maybe they need to huh... ruin some party." I said hesitantly as I hopped out of the car.

"That's what I said earlier in the church when I mentioned that a lady kept staring at us!" Quinn said in a flat voice.

"Hello." The blond Frankenstein greeted us as she stepped out of her SUV.

"Let me introduce myself… I'm Sue Sylvester, a friend of Mrs. Smith, the lady that hired you to destroy that wedding…" She said coldly.

Even though I knew it was hate at first sight, I squealed inwardly. Thanks to that witch, maybe, we were about to get ourselves another job and consequently we'd get more money again.

"Hello Mrs. Sylvester. I'm Santana and this is Quinn." I said as I shook Sue-the-witch's hand.

"Glad to meet you, Mrs Sylvester." Quinn said politely and shook her hand.

"I have a job offer for you…" The blond witch blurted out. "Oh, and you had better call me Sue! I'm way too young to be a 'Mrs'." She added and smirked widely.

Poor thing, if _she was young_ then I was a baby. Seriously though, can't she see the million crinkles on her face, even more so when she smirks?

* * *

"MOM!" I yelled from the bathroom.

"MOTHEEEER!" I yelled again, louder this time.

"WHAT?!" She cried out of exasperation and swung the door open.

Actually she swung it open so violently that it hit the wall like a tons of brick and the bathroom mirror almost fell off the wall. Sometimes, I wondered if my mom wasn't related to Quinn because they definitely had inherited the same gifts: stubbornness and brutality.

Also, it was such a pity that they never came across that thing called sarcasm… they'd be a tiny bit less anti-social if they had. I mean look at me, I'm sarcastic and hilarious! And well, as you've probably guessed already, people love me and I love myself even more! Ha!

"First! Why is the lock on the door, broken? Second, something's wrong with the bathroom tap, again! And third, how am I supposed to shower, with an unlocked bathroom door! What do I do if someone walks in?!" I said hysterically and raised my arms dramatically.

Exaggerated dramatic effects are always appreciated! I suggest you try it sometime.

"The thick plastic shower curtain will be enough coverage." My mother said, emotionless.

I'm sure in another life, she was a cyborg.

"As you know, our piping still needs to be fixed so if you want a hot shower, you'd better not run this tap here and the shower head at the same time." She added as she pointed a finger towards the sink and then towards the shower.

"But uncle Dave came here twice already, he said he'd fixed it?!" I whined.

"Whatever! I'm going back to the kitchen. I have to finish that stupid dinner. The Milos are coming over tonight." She said and shrugged as she left the bathroom.

I closed the door and took a deep breath. There's nothing to worry about, I thought. The worst that could happen was my 13 year old sister, Lauren, or my 15 year old brother, Jake, walk in and decide to brush their teeth or some stupid thing like that.

I quickly took off my clothes and stepped in the shower. I drew the navy thick plastic curtain neatly and turned on the water.

I enjoyed the delightful feeling of hot liquid pouring down on me and started to sing Beyonce's _Listen_ very loudly. I probably sounded like a choking whale, but I couldn't care less.

I was halfway through the song when I started to hear weird noises.

I immediately stopped singing.

"Why did she stop?" I heard a kid's voice say.

"Hello?" I called out and stopped the water so I could hear well.

Nothing. No noises, no voices.

I decided to poke my head out of the shower and made sure to hide the rest of my body behind the safety of the dark thick curtain.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" I hollered when I saw my stupid little brother and his friend, Ryder, standing in the bathroom.

Those two were such perverts and they were 15 and 16 only. I can't even imagine what they'd turn into once they've reached adulthood.

"Shit!" Jake mumbled.

"What do we do now?" Ryder asked.

"YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

I held the curtain closer to my body and mentally slapped myself in the face. I should have thought of hanging my towel right next to the shower, not next to the sink.

"NO!" Jake stated. "We came here for a reason." He added and pulled out his phone from his jeans' back pocket.

"Either you show us your boobs or we start filming and then the entire world will be able to see your body online!" Ryder cried out and smirked.

"ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME?! What is fucking wrong with this generation!?"

I was on the verge of ripping those brats' heads off, I swear!

"Get the fuck out! Get the fucking fuck out!" I screamed. "MOM! MOTHER?!" I called out desperately.

"Oh, look at her, Ryder. She's calling out for mommy!" Jake said slyly in a high pitched girl-like voice and started filming with his phone.

"THAT'S IT!" I cried out.

I ripped the curtain off the shower, wrapped it around my body and jumped out.

"HAAAAA!" the two obnoxious perverts screamed as I grabbed their heads.

I pulled on their hair and then banged their heads on the bathroom tiled wall.

"Ouuuch!" Jake moaned.

"Now hear this you perverts!" I started. "It's always fun and games until…?" I added and waited for them to finish my sentence.

"un – until so – someone gets hu – hurt…?" Ryder stuttered.

"Yeah then, it just gets plain hilarious seeing you're the one getting hurt! Hahaha!" I blurted out and laughed.

They didn't really get my joke. Ugh, why did they have to be so stupid?

"All right, now just get out!" I said more calmly and kicked each of those douchebags in their lower back with my foot as I shoved them out.

I finished my shower, got dressed up and blew dried my hair. Quinn was picking me up because we had an appointment with that blond freak and that husky chocolate man. And since I wanted to look somewhat 'professional', I had decided to wear a neat black skirt with a nice white laced shirt.

I heard a honk as I put my flat shoes on. Quinn had come just in time.

I ran down the stairs and out of the house.

"I'm going out people! Don't wait for me for dinner!" I cried out and slammed the front door shut.

I hopped in Quinn's ugly car and smiled at her.

"Heeeello!" I greeted her in a fake Brazilian accent and chuckled.

"Yo!" She said and giggled.

"One more wedding and we're off the hook!" I said excitedly.

The thing here was that Quinn and I were still paying the bank because of the loans we had had to take to go off to college. In the end we did graduate but we didn't get our Bachelor's degree because we ran out of money after the first semester.

So in short, our diplomas weren't really worth much. We had to have more than an unfinished Bachelor's degree to have a decent job. So now we worked as tutors in high schools and youth centers, meanwhile on our vacation, we ruined weddings.

We had almost finished paying our loans back though, which explained why we were so excited.

"So, we're meeting her up at Mrs. Smith's right?" Quinn said as she sped up and turned brutally on the right.

I squealed. Seriously, who did that? Normally, you slow down when you have to drive though bends, let alone super sharp ones. Maybe I should start looking for another best friend? I thought.

"All right, we're there!" Quinn yelled out excitedly and hopped down from her car.

We walked to the front porch and Quinn knocked on it in an obnoxiously loud way.

"You'll never change, will you?" I mumbled.

"Shut up! You know you love me just the way I am." She said and smacked my head.

I was about to say something but Mrs. Smith cut me off by swinging the big wooden front door open.

"Hello, lovelies!" She said and side hugged each of us.

"Hello Mrs. Smith." We answered at the same time.

"Please… Come in."

We walked in and followed Mrs. Smith to the living room.

"You did a great job last week, young ladies! I'm sure many people will need you this summer." She said and winked at us.

We smiled back at her as we entered the large living-room.

"Here they are!" She sang as we bent down to sit on one of the leather couches.

Across from us, on the other large couch were seated five other people. First there was that Sylvester freak and her husky guy, and then there were two boys and one girl who seemed to be around their early twenties.

"Hello Santana! Hello Quinn!" They cried out altogether.

It sounded like we had just been greeted by the members of some anonymous alcoholic organization though.

"Girls…" Sue Sylvester started.

"This is Puck, Finn and Mercedes." She added and pointed towards the three young people. "They're against the wedding too so they'll be part of the plan." She explained.

"Puck – Puckerman!" Quinn hollered like a groupie.

I'll never understand what the fuck is wrong with my best friend, and yet I'm one of the people that are closest to her.

"Excuse my friend. She has nervous reactions and she just can't help it." I said and smiled nervously.

"It's O.K! I get that a lot." The guy with the Mohawk said. "I mean, I am one of _Sam Evans'_ best friends after all." He added.

I gasped and blinked multiple times.

"Sa – Sa – Sa – Sam… Ev – vvv – va…" I stuttered.

"You're almost there." The other guy said and laughed. "SAM EVANS." He uttered the name very slowly and chuckled.

Ha! Now I was being treated as a retard… Which I was right then, I had to admit.

"Oh, I thought you'd know." Sue-the-freak said and smiled.

She seemed to be amused by my reaction.

"I am _Sam Evan_'s mother. And I want you to ruin his upcoming wedding." She stated like it was no big deal.

And then I think I just fainted…


End file.
